What to Do If You’re Overspending Because You Want Everyone to Feel Loved

If your bank account is already looking very sad, and it’s only mid-December… this one’s for you.

So many sensitive, thoughtful, people-pleasing souls struggle with overspending at Christmas. I used to think I was just really bad with money, but over time (especially having seen this pattern not just in myself but my clients, too) I’ve come to realise that this isn’t at all about being careless, or disorganised, or materialistic... THIS kind of overspending comes from caring so deeply that sticking to your budget feels impossible.

And if you’re completely honest with yourself… is this desire to get someone ‘the perfect gift’ coming from a place of generosity and love and fun?

Or is it actually laced with pressure (perhaps even so much so you find yourself procrastinating even starting your Christmas shopping)?

Because what I’ve noticed, is that this elusive ‘ideal gift’ can also become something much more complex:

Perhaps we feel that’s it’s the way we can show our love - a physical manifestation of how we feel about someone.
Maybe we’re desperately trying to make sure we don’t disappoint anyone. Maybe we’re trying our hardest to ‘match’ what someone else might be investing, either financially or in terms of thoughtfulness and effort (or most likely both).
It might be about earning someone’s approval, or to try and smooth over tricky relationship dynamics.
Or perhaps we just feel an intense responsibility to make this Christmas moment feel special.

And so we over-spend… we spend so much of our precious time and energy trying to come up with ‘the perfect gift’ that we hope will do all of the above… but that’s A LOT of pressure on a gift, let alone for your bank account and your poor brain that likely already has a million tabs open.

And if your overspending is coming from that place of pressure, then the truth is:

It was never really about getting the perfect gift. This is about your nervous system kicking into action at a perceived threat - the threat being other people’s disappointment or disapproval, and what that might mean about you and your relationships.

Your nervous system is getting you to use overspending as a strategy to feel safe… to feel good about yourself. It’s literally trying to buy safety.

But once you realise that, you can adapt your strategy, for which your bank account and budget will thank you.

Because another truth is: even when you’ve found ‘the perfect gift’ (spoiler alert: you probably won’t ever feel happy with what you pick and might continue adding just another little thing until the last minute because you can never meet the impossible standard you hold in your mind), that safety can’t actually be bought. How often have you worried afterwards that your gift still disappointed, trying to decipher their facial expression or the message they sent (or didn’t) afterwards? How often have you run yourself into the ground organising something, then felt that maybe it wasn’t really appreciated in the way you’d hoped?

The safety you’re craving is absolutely something you can start to create for yourself - and that’s what will infuse the joy back into the gifting process. That’s how you’ll be able to organise gifts for your loved ones that are still thoughtful… just not to the extent that you’ve abandoned your budget and your capacities completely.

So here are some strategies you can consider using right away:

1. Take a one-breath pause before buying

Before clicking “buy” or adding something else to the basket, take a pause and ask yourself - Are you buying this from love, or from pressure?

That tiny pause might create space for choice… but even if you don’t feel you have the choice to act any differently right now, noticing the stories behind what you’re doing are really powerful.

2. Could you let a gift be ‘good enough’?

Maybe you know the concept of good enough parenting, where we accept our humanity and limitations and we embrace the fact that we are going to make mistakes and that thriving for perfection is unrealistic… and so we work within our capacity and repair when we make mistakes.

Could you translate that concept to your gift giving? And by good enough, I don’t mean that you’re going to go for something cheap, or that you’re going to start being thoughtless (if you’re still reading, I just don’t think that’s ever going to be you!). But where’s the middle ground? The place where you’re spending money and time and energy on a gift for someone… but not abandoning your budget or your capacity completely?

Sometimes gifts can be simple but so meaningful. When I think of my absolute favourite gifts I’ve received from people, they’ve often actually been free (a playlist my husband made of songs that made him think of me, a handwritten card, a second hand book that made my friend think of me), and it never occurred to me to start thinking about the cost.

3. Scale back with one safe person

There will be people in your life that you don’t feel like you can make any changes with, especially not in mid-December. But is there anyone in your life you can be honest with about your budget, your time, or your capacity? Perhaps there’s a close friend you can be vulnerable with, that you can softly ask to scale things back with this year. And you never know, they might find themselves relieved!

4. Remind yourself that presence is the real gift

For the vast majority of people, it won’t be the gift that makes them feel loved. It’s actually your presence in their lives, either physically or perhaps emotionally from a distance: that’s what most people value about you. And I know this is hard to hold onto with the capitalist pressure of this season, especially when we see the Christmas ads and social media highlights… but I absolutely hate to think that a friend or loved one was over-spending or wasting too much of their precious time and energy worrying about what to gift me. Personally, if a friend dropped me a voice note to say they hadn’t managed to get to Christmas gifts this year but that they wanted to share how much they valued me and our friendship… I would feel trusted and honoured and valued by that more than any gift surprise in the post.

And of course there’s nuance to this - sometimes there are mismatches in romantic relationships or friendships that we see a physical representation of when it comes to the holiday season, so this isn’t intended as a ‘don’t bother’ (hopefully that’s already become clear), but this is about reminding you (when that urge to ‘add just one more gift’ or ‘find something better’ comes up) of the value of presence, the value of YOURSELF and the role you play in other people’s lives… and it might just help you feel that the gift you’ve chosen is ‘good enough’.

(And yes, perhaps you do have that one relative that will be snarky or that friend who makes a comment behind your back… but perhaps that would speak to bigger dynamics in the relationship that might be worth unpicking outside of this season)

5. Work with your nervous system

Start finding ways to regulate your nervous system not just around tricky moments, but daily - multiple times a day. Nothing complicated, but maybe you find a tapping practice you can do for just 1 minute three times a day. Maybe you find a breathing exercise that calms you that you can use every time you get a drink. Perhaps you listen to calming music in the background as you work… find ways to make your felt safety a priority. You might not notice a direct link… but over time, you’ll start to feel the difference.

In essence, my question for you to reflect on is:

Where does your giving feel like love… and where does it feel like obligation, guilt, or fear of disappointing?

Rather than adjusting your budget again, deciding your gifts will be homemade this year (word of warning: I’ve tried and tested this technique and both my budget and my stress levels have disagreed with this approach) or just burying your head in the sand until the next birthday gift is required, unpicking these stories and working with your nervous system will probably be real work - and maybe for this year, noticing these patterns is enough. After all, these strategies are ones we’ve been perfecting over our lifetime, so they might not shift overnight… but these patterns can totally be updated.

If you’d like more support, you can my free A Centred Christmas Reflection Journal and reset audio here.

Much love,

Helen x